WTF?

I just received this in my inbox: HI GARRETT, I SAW YOU ON CLASSMATES.COM. I DON'T THINK YOU REMEMBER ME BUT I WENT TO MIDDLE SCHOOL WITH YOU IN JUNIOR HIGH. I DON'T WANT TO TELL YOU MY NAME BECAUSE ITS EMBARASSING. DO YOU REMEMBER I ASKED YOU OUT ON A DATE? MY OTHER FRIEND LIKED YOU TOO. I'M STILL JUST AS PORTLY AS EVER BUT I WANTED TO KNOW IF YOU WANTED TO GET TO GETHER AND BAKE BROWNIES OR SHARE RECIPES OR SOMETHING. I AM NICE. SINCERELY,??Uhh...um...er...There is only one person who this could be. She was psychotic. So was her friend. They were also much larger than me. They stalked me at school and called my house daily. They also pinned me up against the wall in gym class and took turns kicking me in the nuts. It was very comical. Apparently, she's still a nutjob. Christ, I really don't need to be the object of her obsession again.

Atse` Hashke`

birth pangs, a signalan end of daysappear, cloud dancersin brutal waysI raise my weapon,for your time has comeThe sun is coming down!on all things, this day is doneThe sun is coming down!Destroyer, turn your head & runatse hashke's guns are drawnatse hashke has tasted bloodI lie, I change my faceI lie, I shield my ways--Sumerian

American Choppers

This has become one of my favorite shows. For those who haven't seen it, it's on Discovery Channel, various nights of the week (usually on Mondays and Saturdays). The show basically follows after a family-owned chop shop in New York state. I love the show for two reasons: first, while some of the bike designs are a little odd (like the fire truck themed bike), they do beautiful work, and secondly, watching the family arguments between the father and his two sons (mostly the older one) is absolutely hilarious. One of my favorite designs that I've seen is the Comanche bike which was styled after the Comanche helicopter. Damn, that was one bad mother of a machine.I never had an interest in getting into car mechanics when I was growing up. However, I did develop a desire while I had the chance to learn to ride bikes. Unfortunately, bikes were never an interest in my house and neither I or my parents had extra funds to spare. Nobody I knew was into bikes either. Maybe one day when I have spare cash and a place to keep and maintain a bike, I'll finally get around to it.

feeling down

I'm generally vague about what's really going on in my mind and what things truly trouble me. Occasionaly, I'll drop a hint, but nothing close to even a keyhole's view of what's of going. If I'm venting about something, it's usually a reaction to the external factors that I deal with. That's my round-about way of justifying the fact that I've earned a 'whine about myself' entry. The external forces in life, be they job, money, other people, etc., don't even enter into it. I've never been satisfied with myself. Really, it's a perpetual sense of embarrassment. Once, when I was fearless, I walked upon this earth like a demigod. Then I turned four. I stood by the road in the rain wearing my little pants, little shirt, and little shoes feeling ashamed of my person. There was no particular reason that I can think of. I'm not sure that feeling ever left. I have no reason to go into any lengthy detail. I'm just deeply frustrated by my inability in figuring out how or what to do in order have a productive and satisfying life in my eyes. And I've been having difficulty shaking this feeling of being worthless. It's been harder, as of late, to keep up the happy public face. I might be the boner who annoys people, but I certainly don't want to bring the party down. Yeah, I'm down. For those who might be inclined to care, I'm not looking for encouragement. If anything, I simply ask if people would avoid being critical of me for feeling this way. If you see me and I appear troubled and less attentive or simply subdued and less jackasstic, forgive me.

KOYAANISQATSI

This is the commentary on what I wrote in my previous entry.Some of you out there may have seen Godfrey Reggio's 'QATSI' movies, the first being KOYAANISQATSI. 'Qatsi' is Hopi for 'life', specifically in the context of a way of life. Koyaansiqatsi translates into 'the dark life', or 'life without balance'. I started writing that piece about 4 years ago. It has seen many changes, but the basic form was always there. It is based around several concepts, the Dark Life being one of them. I don't believe in preaching and I really have nothing to preach. I'm only interested in observing. Things are either harmful or they are not, and even then, that is still an objective perception. Ultimately, I am fascinated by the notion that nothing is absolute, that if one moves into a different point of view, all that is relevant and True can become irrelevant and untrue. I see the world we live in, and the universe as a whole, as a bleak plane of existence. At the same time, it is full of fascination that is often difficult to fully comprehend. Change and uncontrollable forces are in constant motion. I think the most true thing one can really believe in is existence. We're alive, we perceive, and we know other things and happenings are out there. Daily, we see things believe as true proven false, and visa versa. I won't say yes to anything, I won't say no. The idea of "liquid" seems to have a few themes behind it. First, it relates to one way in which I would describe the universe: it is there and it is always in motion by infinite forces acting within it. Things move around, things change. Then there is the concept of how things can be different on either side of a liquid's surface. The motion of the liquid distorts and conceals that which may exist on the other side.I won't discount what might exist in the Non-real or that various realities exist. Even a superficial change of one's environment will alter one's reality, and it is entirely acceptable to me that other states of consciousness and perception exist. When I set out to write something, I try and invoke a sense of movement from the place where I'm currently standing. With this piece, I believe I have done just that. Life is never in balance, it's always moving. Challenging the pre-ordained and the refusal of belief/dis-belief is a constant force in my mind. One of the biggest differences between modern man and his ancient fore-fathers is that in today's world, we are obsessed with how and why things work the way they do. The ancients were more focused on what works and putting those things to practical use. What we call magic and ritual practices today were, then, simply psychological exercises. In the end, I think I wrote this from the perspective of a person in a sort of dream state who exists in a very static and desolate place. By casting aside his senses, he finds himself surrounded by all of the things he'd overlooked. Part of the discovery involves reaching back into the buried programming from our evolutionary fore bearers (something that was a key part of neolithic shamanism involving serpent, vulture, and other mammalian imagery).

Liquid

All riseand descendCall mytotems inI'll diein the endDefythe unopenedDecrythe repentantI dream of falling rainsAs earth cracks into veinsRun through the waterfallReach through the Non-realUnveil the No-thing elseRunning through... the waterfallAn animalIn ritualDark-lifekills us nowArisechanged aroundNew eyesstaring downUnboundthe serpent's moundUncrownedthe sacred groundI dreamed of falling rainsAs earth cracked in my veinsRun through the waterfallReach through the Non-realUnveil the No-thing elseRunning through... the waterfallAn animalIn ritual--SumerianMy next entry will be a brief commentary on this.

What does 'Pahana' mean?

I've been getting this question a lot in the past few weeks. I suppose it's time for a more in-depth answer. Pahana is a figure from Hopi prophecy. Oral tradition holds that these prophecies were handed down with the last instructions given to these one-time wandering people. The name refers to "lost white brother", one from across the seas (or also, and more likely, the stars). When the Spanish invaded the Americas and moved into what is now Arizona, many Hopi believed Pahana had arrived. Considering that many prerequisite prophecies had not been fulfilled, as well as the horrific manner in which they were treated, they jumped the gun. I am not going to get into specifics of the forecasts that were laid down by Maasaw (kachina of the underworld) right now, but maybe some day. I will say that in regards to Pahana, this figure is cast as one of two who will guide the remains of the Hopi and mankind, in North America at least, through the dawn of the 5th world. Ultimately, the prophecies relate to how this world, Tuwaqachi, will end. They are open-ended and the main theme is that while this age will end, the manner in which it will happen and the severity of it is still up to mankind. Why use this name? Simply put, it is in reverence to this figure. Pahana is not necessarily a saviour, not necessarily a destroy. Perhaps, he'll be a bit of both similar to Siva/Shiva of Hindu lore. Using this name is primarily a representation of my interest in the subject. As an aside, I suppose it is worth mentioning the correlations I have been drawing between American mythology and that of the ancient Middle East. Interestingly enough, when you filter out cultural differences, there are many similarities between beings like the Watchers/Nephilim, the Kachinas of southwestern natives, and the Viracocha of South America. So, there you have it in a very small nutshell.

Looking Forward

I'm not fond of the past. I mean that in a general sense. I'll take with me that which I can fit into a figurative knapsack and call it good. When I look back on myself, I see little else than me being dumb. I managed to whittle down my entries thus far from 200 to 14 (not including this one) and marked them as memories. Less clutter, less fuss. The past lays obscured by a rolling fog anyway, so there's little point in trying to peer back through it. I am inclined to be more introspective for a while. People know that I enjoy a good drink and a good ol' stupid time. Beyond that, most people do not know dick about me. I am coming to point in time where I need to begin building again, to stretch. I have plans and ideas as well as thoughts about what I'll be doing with my journal content, so hashing things out in plain view of people might help me stay focused. I cannot promise that I'll be interesting, but as always, feedback will always be welcome."Memories lay beside usBut I'm seeing through an age, who I amThrough Sumer-land, lead me..."

Senseless

Pa-Mu-YaPa-Mu-Ya!all over mePa-Mu-YaPa-Mu-Ya!all over methe war lifeturning me overpicked apartbone by bonenothing feelsnothing hurtsif i had eyesnothing else wouldlook the samewho won't fallto this life of war?nothing left,nothing morePa-Mu-Ya,purify me-SumerianThe earth mourneth and fadeth away, the world languisheth and fadeth away, the haughty people of the earth do languish... ~Isaiah 24:3, The Holy Bible

You know what's beautiful?

The waterfront. Yes, even with all of the tourists muddling about. I love seeing the Sound in the mid-day heat. And I especially love seeing the Olympics through the haze of a hot sky. I used my lunch to walk down there yesterday. I didn't really have time to putter around, but it was the most enjoyable lunch break I've had anywhere. It was good to unchain myself from the building. Now that I'm working downtown, instead of Bellevue, I can actually go places and take my mind off of the job for a bit.I also need to take another late-night trip down to the pier. I can't remember which one it is, but the pier where they hold the concerts is one of my favorite destinations at night. It's calm and peaceful. If you look behind you, you see the lights of the city bearing down. Look across the water and to the north, and it's almost completely devoid of light. It's a bit surreal.

Never trust a man in a black hat...

I sitting in Denny's a couple of years ago with a coffee, cigarette, and a crossword (alliteration...the MLA would be proud). All of a sudden, I felt the sting of a slap on my shoulder. I turn around with my "what the FUCK??" expression and ready to start swinging, but I see it's a grizzled older man who was accompanied by some burly rednecks. Before I could say anything, he says "I was jus' noticin' yer hat" in a crackly voice. He had a similar hat save that it was more of that Texas rancher style with a wider brim. He continued by saying, "Never a trust a man in a black hat. People should remember that about us." He tipped his hat and walked away.

Finally, the only damn quiz worth taking

You are Captain Murphy. You've lost your mind, butyou have more fun without it. Which Sealab 2021 character are you? brought to you by Quizilla"I hate Pod Six. Tch, I don't even know why we have a Pod Six. Total suck Pod."

Yes, I wrote this [/whore]

Highway of the DamnedAm I destroyer?The Thief, the Liar?come walk the end, a changing...Dark clouds of anger,cobweb the old skiesA cast of embers,criss-cross in my eyesYou crawl, you're thirstingthis world is birthingMy sorrow's worse, hereyour ashes fall upon meLonely highwayold and in ruinCries with the footstepssinging twilight in tuneIts dust is kickingas ghosts come dancingScorched, impassioned it breaks you in twoNow walk...emerging from this wombwalk...it could burn the landand bring this age of sandNow, walk this highway damned......damned...Hey, Blue Kachinawon't you take your mask off?Here in the plazacome, show the world it's overI'll boil the oceansand wash my hands thereAnd walk...emerging from this wombwalk...it will burn the landdark skies rain the sandNow, walk this highway damned...damned...into the firethe world of Manis changeddown the highwayof the damnedDedicated to all the disconnected souls who believe they are lost. The land of the dead is the land of the free...Must get off my ass. Need to start writing more. Of course, my writing place is usually at the Juju lounge so that means I need to start going there again. Go ahead, twist my arm...twist it!

To all my relations...

Burning SkyI awokeunder a burning skyin a world with no sunI arosewith a burning in my eyeand a hand upon my gunI'm a stranger in this landleft desolate in formI have slept beneath the sandand dreamt the scions of stormunder a burning skyburning red/rain(through the heart...out of fear)burning black(through the body...out of bond)burning white/light(through the mind...i am change)burning gold/fire(to the spirit...i am fire)your blood...rememberyour clans...rememberashes will rainpurify your painBurning skyBurning skyBurning sky...(turn to bone, turn to bone, it is healed)

Ritual of Fire

ritual of fireritual of fireanimal of furanimal of fur...a little bit of smokeritual of fireritual of fireanimal in flightanimal in flightIA! IA!come to mebird of my dreamscirc'ling in flamesfalling downreborn, from the groundIA!IA!ritual of fireritual of fireanimal of furanimal of furIA!IA!Oh, alliesOh, allies...

I cannot be shamed

Unless I have unintentionally snubbed a family member or friend, there is nothing that can be said or depicted of me in anyway that makes me feel shame. In the case of the very former, it is an arbitrary compassion via extension of my will. I may keep many things to my private mind, but I wish nothing that may be revealed to be hidden from stranger and familiar alike. I am not afraid of my own thoughts.I have a temper of fire. My demeanor is often unpleasant...however, it is never to be taken as a sign of my mood. I choose to be compassionate toward your will so long as you are not trying to cross mine. I may act like a clown a lot. Those who look down their noses at that have failed miserably to understand the power in the folly of existence. Go ahead, fire at me. I will fire back at my discretion. Am I better than you? No, I'm worse, much worse. I am the rotten garbage with tattered skin. I do not fear what others may inflict on me. I have escaped death since the time I was in the womb. I have been cut, bruised, bloodied, beaten, shot at, survived falls and accidents. I am cautious, but unafraid. Look at my face when you speak to me, look in my eyes. Don't ask me why, don't ask me how...I will only answer "what".If I may quote a passage by Peter Carroll:Chaos--the word must be spoken, though only the untruth of it shall be known.The blasphemy of it shall be our liberation.Change is the only constant phenomenon.Oh, let me worship the randomness of things, for all that I have ever loved has come forth from it and will be taken away by it. Chance!Hail also unto apparent order, for it increaseth the possibilities of chaos.There can be no absolute truth in a universe of relativities.All things are arbitrary, some things have relative truth for a time. Life being accidental, we are free to give it any point we like.I do not find it necessary to account for my actions even unto myself.I require no justification.That I do it is sufficient in itself.Life is its own answer, my spirituality is the way I live it.I will believe whatever brings me joy, power, and ecstasy.Understanding cannot understand itself.Perception cannot perceive itself.Will cannot un-will itself.The Secret of the Universe IS the Secret of the Universe, known to me in the silences and the storms.I think that sums up the current thought in my head for the moment. Good night.