feeling down

I'm generally vague about what's really going on in my mind and what things truly trouble me. Occasionaly, I'll drop a hint, but nothing close to even a keyhole's view of what's of going. If I'm venting about something, it's usually a reaction to the external factors that I deal with. That's my round-about way of justifying the fact that I've earned a 'whine about myself' entry. The external forces in life, be they job, money, other people, etc., don't even enter into it. I've never been satisfied with myself. Really, it's a perpetual sense of embarrassment. Once, when I was fearless, I walked upon this earth like a demigod. Then I turned four. I stood by the road in the rain wearing my little pants, little shirt, and little shoes feeling ashamed of my person. There was no particular reason that I can think of. I'm not sure that feeling ever left. I have no reason to go into any lengthy detail. I'm just deeply frustrated by my inability in figuring out how or what to do in order have a productive and satisfying life in my eyes. And I've been having difficulty shaking this feeling of being worthless. It's been harder, as of late, to keep up the happy public face. I might be the boner who annoys people, but I certainly don't want to bring the party down. Yeah, I'm down. For those who might be inclined to care, I'm not looking for encouragement. If anything, I simply ask if people would avoid being critical of me for feeling this way. If you see me and I appear troubled and less attentive or simply subdued and less jackasstic, forgive me.