feeling down

I'm generally vague about what's really going on in my mind and what things truly trouble me. Occasionaly, I'll drop a hint, but nothing close to even a keyhole's view of what's of going. If I'm venting about something, it's usually a reaction to the external factors that I deal with. That's my round-about way of justifying the fact that I've earned a 'whine about myself' entry. The external forces in life, be they job, money, other people, etc., don't even enter into it. I've never been satisfied with myself. Really, it's a perpetual sense of embarrassment. Once, when I was fearless, I walked upon this earth like a demigod. Then I turned four. I stood by the road in the rain wearing my little pants, little shirt, and little shoes feeling ashamed of my person. There was no particular reason that I can think of. I'm not sure that feeling ever left. I have no reason to go into any lengthy detail. I'm just deeply frustrated by my inability in figuring out how or what to do in order have a productive and satisfying life in my eyes. And I've been having difficulty shaking this feeling of being worthless. It's been harder, as of late, to keep up the happy public face. I might be the boner who annoys people, but I certainly don't want to bring the party down. Yeah, I'm down. For those who might be inclined to care, I'm not looking for encouragement. If anything, I simply ask if people would avoid being critical of me for feeling this way. If you see me and I appear troubled and less attentive or simply subdued and less jackasstic, forgive me.

KOYAANISQATSI

This is the commentary on what I wrote in my previous entry.Some of you out there may have seen Godfrey Reggio's 'QATSI' movies, the first being KOYAANISQATSI. 'Qatsi' is Hopi for 'life', specifically in the context of a way of life. Koyaansiqatsi translates into 'the dark life', or 'life without balance'. I started writing that piece about 4 years ago. It has seen many changes, but the basic form was always there. It is based around several concepts, the Dark Life being one of them. I don't believe in preaching and I really have nothing to preach. I'm only interested in observing. Things are either harmful or they are not, and even then, that is still an objective perception. Ultimately, I am fascinated by the notion that nothing is absolute, that if one moves into a different point of view, all that is relevant and True can become irrelevant and untrue. I see the world we live in, and the universe as a whole, as a bleak plane of existence. At the same time, it is full of fascination that is often difficult to fully comprehend. Change and uncontrollable forces are in constant motion. I think the most true thing one can really believe in is existence. We're alive, we perceive, and we know other things and happenings are out there. Daily, we see things believe as true proven false, and visa versa. I won't say yes to anything, I won't say no. The idea of "liquid" seems to have a few themes behind it. First, it relates to one way in which I would describe the universe: it is there and it is always in motion by infinite forces acting within it. Things move around, things change. Then there is the concept of how things can be different on either side of a liquid's surface. The motion of the liquid distorts and conceals that which may exist on the other side.I won't discount what might exist in the Non-real or that various realities exist. Even a superficial change of one's environment will alter one's reality, and it is entirely acceptable to me that other states of consciousness and perception exist. When I set out to write something, I try and invoke a sense of movement from the place where I'm currently standing. With this piece, I believe I have done just that. Life is never in balance, it's always moving. Challenging the pre-ordained and the refusal of belief/dis-belief is a constant force in my mind. One of the biggest differences between modern man and his ancient fore-fathers is that in today's world, we are obsessed with how and why things work the way they do. The ancients were more focused on what works and putting those things to practical use. What we call magic and ritual practices today were, then, simply psychological exercises. In the end, I think I wrote this from the perspective of a person in a sort of dream state who exists in a very static and desolate place. By casting aside his senses, he finds himself surrounded by all of the things he'd overlooked. Part of the discovery involves reaching back into the buried programming from our evolutionary fore bearers (something that was a key part of neolithic shamanism involving serpent, vulture, and other mammalian imagery).

Liquid

All riseand descendCall mytotems inI'll diein the endDefythe unopenedDecrythe repentantI dream of falling rainsAs earth cracks into veinsRun through the waterfallReach through the Non-realUnveil the No-thing elseRunning through... the waterfallAn animalIn ritualDark-lifekills us nowArisechanged aroundNew eyesstaring downUnboundthe serpent's moundUncrownedthe sacred groundI dreamed of falling rainsAs earth cracked in my veinsRun through the waterfallReach through the Non-realUnveil the No-thing elseRunning through... the waterfallAn animalIn ritual--SumerianMy next entry will be a brief commentary on this.

What does 'Pahana' mean?

I've been getting this question a lot in the past few weeks. I suppose it's time for a more in-depth answer. Pahana is a figure from Hopi prophecy. Oral tradition holds that these prophecies were handed down with the last instructions given to these one-time wandering people. The name refers to "lost white brother", one from across the seas (or also, and more likely, the stars). When the Spanish invaded the Americas and moved into what is now Arizona, many Hopi believed Pahana had arrived. Considering that many prerequisite prophecies had not been fulfilled, as well as the horrific manner in which they were treated, they jumped the gun. I am not going to get into specifics of the forecasts that were laid down by Maasaw (kachina of the underworld) right now, but maybe some day. I will say that in regards to Pahana, this figure is cast as one of two who will guide the remains of the Hopi and mankind, in North America at least, through the dawn of the 5th world. Ultimately, the prophecies relate to how this world, Tuwaqachi, will end. They are open-ended and the main theme is that while this age will end, the manner in which it will happen and the severity of it is still up to mankind. Why use this name? Simply put, it is in reverence to this figure. Pahana is not necessarily a saviour, not necessarily a destroy. Perhaps, he'll be a bit of both similar to Siva/Shiva of Hindu lore. Using this name is primarily a representation of my interest in the subject. As an aside, I suppose it is worth mentioning the correlations I have been drawing between American mythology and that of the ancient Middle East. Interestingly enough, when you filter out cultural differences, there are many similarities between beings like the Watchers/Nephilim, the Kachinas of southwestern natives, and the Viracocha of South America. So, there you have it in a very small nutshell.